‘The Phoenician Scheme’ Is Exactly What You Expect

Wes Anderson has done it again. Literally.

“The Phoenician Scheme” follows the Anderson template so closely you might think you’re watching a pitch-perfect parody.

A-plus cast. Gorgeous set design. Twee dialogue. Absurdist humor.

Less than zero calories.

The song remains the same for the overrated auteur, and if that’s precisely what fans crave then they’ll relish this “Scheme.” Everyone else will wonder where the artist behind “Rushmore” went.

Will we ever see him again?

Benicio del Toro stars as Anatole Zsa-Zsa Korda (exhausting already, right?) a swindler who cheats death when he isn’t cheating others out of their money. He’s on the run as the movie opens, escaping another assassination attempt in farcical fashion.

So far, so funny, and del Toro makes the most of the bizarre character. He’s one of two actors who stretch beyond Anderson’s narrative corset.

Korda’s dueling motivations drive the narrative. He’s trying to salvage an ornate business deal before it goes south while reconnecting with daughter Leisl (Mia Threapleton, daughter of Kate Winslet), who is now a nun-in-training.

How funny, since Korda keeps having visions of the afterlife after his many brushes with death. Weird, as Rachel Zegler might say!

Our antihero’s business dealings allow Anderson’s cavalcade of stars to get their closeups. We see Tom Hanks play a surreal round of basketball and watch Scarlett Johansson attempt the driest Anderson character performance of all time.

She succeeds. And?

She’s just as closed off as Threapleton, and the Korda/Leisl bond that should be stoking the film’s emotional embers does nothing of the kind. Again.

Any sense of humanity is stripped bare by artifice, much like Anderson’s equally droll “Asteroid City.” You’ll snicker and savor the visuals, but nothing will nudge your soul. Yet this “Scheme” is always marvelous to behold, with delicious set pieces and actors devoted to the cause.

Said cause is rarely worth the effort.

Michael Cera offers an exception. The “Arrested Development” alum grabs the most grins with a thick accent and his perpetual air of innocence. He’s having fun here as an amiable tutor, something that can’t be said of the other stars.

That Anderson template is like an artistic straitjacket, although it never stops his A-list casts from crashing the set. Early Coen brothers comedies were blasted as “cold” by some critics. Anderson’s handiwork earns that admonition.

Whatever whimsy kick-starts “The Phoenician Scheme” eventually runs dry mid film. That leaves us with laborious sequences leavened by Alexandre Desplat’s sumptuous score. It’s a thing of beauty and does a lot of heavy lifting.

Casting Bill Murray as God seems inspired, but the results hardly warrant his inclusion.

A third-act sequence summons that Looney Tunes’ spirit, courtesy of a game Benedict Cumberbatch. Could Anderson revive Bugs and pals for a big-screen comedy? He’s got the right attitude for such visual shtick, and it would give him a break from his formula.

Heck, we all could use a break.

HiT or Miss: “The Phoenician Scheme” is vintage Wes Anderson. You’ve been warned.

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